I read all day and that’s okay
On my reading practice: from indulgence, to skill, to joy, to creative fuel
I worked at least 0.8 FT (full time) through the first two years of my PhD. There are many reasons for that. A main one is that, as a working class kid, devoting my whole day to reading and study felt unconscionable. What an indulgence! Not to produce, not to be directly and demonstrably (to myself) of service—that wasn’t okay. I’m still uneasy with it: this is truly the first time since I was 13 that I haven’t had a steady job alongside my studies. I’ve encountered this feeling often among first gen students: many put it down to familial, cultural and societal pressures on us.
I’m lucky to have had a family with the means and attitude to encourage me emphatically not to work while I studied. In college, I consistently hid the fact that I was working as much as I was from my parents. Take a break, they said. It’s okay, they said. Trust us, working is often just plain miserable—forget building character, that’s why the rich folks have their kids work at gas stations. We know better.
So in my case, this pressure to be of service is pretty much self-applied. For my own mental wellness, I needed to get over it, stat, especially as the pandemic hit and my days lost what structure, variety and opportunities to help a real live person they still had. It’s been quite the long haul, but I’m happy with my reading practice now, even proud of it. How did THAT happen?
Mindset-Shift #1: Reading is a complex skill
I had to recognize that reading professionally is not the delighted, distracted devouring of fantasy novels I did all day as a child. That I still think of as indulgent (and almost-guiltlessly make time for in my leisure!). Reading professionally is hard cognitive work. This was something I honored and recognized for my students, but not myself (typical…) I preached that learning to read is a lifelong process—a hard sell to my suspicious and incredulous students, many of whom struggle with reading fundamentals—while beating myself up for…well, anything and everything about it, including both complacency in thinking I was good enough at it and not being far enough along in learning it (huh?)
This eased the feeling that I was being lazy and indulgent reading all day. It also set a punishing standard: if I’m not reading optimally, it doesn’t “count.” As soon as it gets easier, it’s less valuable. And don’t you dare do it in a comfy armchair, Jamie!
Mindset Shift #2: Reading is itself productive
This shift first happened this semester. Yep, that late. It was apparently obvious to everyone around me that my reading days were some of my most productive. Writing for class was workaday discharge of duties; reading was the work. Not only was I more energized in talking about my work and having better ideas, I also was able to give more of myself on days when I’d read more than I’d written. And not just emotionally—in listening well, too, having deeper dinner table conversations, and thinking and teaching more precisely.
My internal narrative was still: “Oh yeah, I didn’t do anything productive today, just read a bunch.” I cringe writing that now—but I empathize with the self that said that earnestly, rather than blaming him. It’s as endemic to academic culture as our wider one. We ask each other how the diss is going or that article that’s overdue or the second book. When we academics ask each other about work, what would happen if we asked “what are you reading now? What’s been in your mind?”
Mindset Shift #3: Reading is a craft
At this point I got really into performance psychology, artists’ practices, and the research around creativity and problem solving. At the same time I got back into reading fiction (even in English!) and authors on reading and writing. John McPhee is my favorite for creative non-fiction—what research! What deliberation! What an eye for humanity!
I think of reading as a performance sport often, requiring deliberate practice, purpose and goals, strategy, and orchestration. Other times, it’s the necessary exercise and game-tape study for the performance sport of writing. That does NOT mean it is always prior: if I let myself do what’s easier, I’d usually read more in preparation for writing. Reading and writing are dance partners, each playing off and leading the other.
There were (are) still pain points in this mindset. I would follow others’ lead and have all sorts of “shoulds” in my head about what and how to read.
Mindset Shift #4: Reading is my craft
The most recent thing I’ve had to learn is that reading professionally is very much like the delighted, down-the-rabbit-hole devouring of fantasy novels I did all day as a child. I built and linked the worlds of my books. I created based on what I read. I trusted and followed my instincts for what to read next. If I did have a to-read list, it was no-one’s but mine, even if I occasionally let suggestions from kindred others slip onto it.
I’m now following my whims, within a loose larger structure, as I read my Latin and Greek. Somehow (surprise…?) I’m hitting lots of things on my exam reading lists with more joy, understanding and thought than I was when that list was a “should.” I do have a “to-read” database (not a linear list), but I get to play with it and change the priorities of things. When I go into that database, my database, now, it’s with a sense of possibility (there’s so much!) and wonder (the world is so rich!), not inadequacy (there’s so much!), incompetence (“I am so reading-poor!”), or constant mid-level anxiety.
Now I start from where I am and where is dear to me and map out what’s new and close by. I use maps and guides, but only as tools to make my own. I recognize mastery of my craft as not only knowing the land—and absolutely not knowing all of it—but also knowing my position within it and refining my methods so I can trust my instincts on where to go. And I try to go where I might find something fruitful and of service, not let fear focus me on how not to get lost.
Lessons from the Road
Read like a writer: carefully, lovingly, devotedly, and to understand the author’s positioning and process.
Consume to create: Don’t break the flow every 5 minutes to write down notes. But maybe have a notepad beside you, and definitely have current and potential projects in mind as you process your reading.
Read as YOU: It’s not just okay but encouraged to focus on what’s interesting or surprising or new or useful to you and to make your own decisions about what’s important that you think differ from the author’s. You may well be accountable for knowing this text well—but at this stage all the reporting you do about this book needs your unique, well-informed take anyway. And you’re not reading to learn what you know—though perhaps to re- or un-learn it.
Balance your reading “shoulds” with your reading wants: If you read for a big chunk of your work, there’s stuff you need to read. But take times to read what you choose to read—and even within what you must read, choose your own way through it. Be selective in your choice reading too: take your wants seriously. Honor them.
Happy reading! I’d love to hear what you’re reading and thinking. Hit “reply” and I promise I’ll write back.
And please SHARE this with anyone who might like it!
— Jacobus
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